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About me:
Hi, I'm n1kogrin, My real name is Emerson Grin and I'm not going to talk about a bunch of my interests that aren't interesting at all. I'll just say basic things about me, and then move on to my biography. I am an artist who was born in Ukraine, I am from Kharkiv, where I have lived half of my life and have almost never traveled outside of it, I know three languages Ukrainian, Russian and English and speak them perfectly, except for Ukrainian. I am non-binary and my pronouns are they/them, my non-binary gender identity is Neutrois (not agender, I have gender and it is neutral), I am intp, and I draw various cute pictures because they calm me down, I am a very anxious person, I have problems with sleep and motivation and procrastination, I learn programming, 3d modeling and how to be an adult, I am 21 years old. At the moment I live in Denmark and I really like it here. My birthday is October 21st
My biography:
Hi it's my biography and if you want to know details about my very dramatic life full of horrors, you've come to the right place. I was born on October 21, my mother said that she had some problems with my birth, so she had to have surgery, and she also said that I had an infection at birth, and my grandmother said that I had a dented head, which then healed, however, since I am alive today, you can guess that everything turned out fine, I don't have any disabilities and I'm fine. I was the only child in the family and until now I am the only one, I did not have and do not have siblings. I hardly remember the time when I was little, but I do remember being stuffed with gender toys that I didn't mind against, but I never liked toys related to parental roles, I always liked legos, drawing, toys that could be rolled, that flew, stuffed animals, stickers. I put stickers everywhere, drew on the walls, ran and played, I had friends that my parents introduced me to, they were brother and sister and we hung out together, played with Lego, played football, and went on swings, played on playgrounds, caught butterflies, played with animals. I didn't realize I was hurting animals when I played with them, and that realization came to me when another friend and I tortured a hamster and it ran away. Before that, I had been in blind ignorance. After that, I stopped playing with animals, but I don't remember exactly if I stopped doing it or not, but I definitely stopped doing what we were doing with a friend. Then my parents took me to kindergarten, where there were programs for physical development, I remember that then we had a fitness ball that I liked to ride, it was my new favorite toy. I also liked to tear the leaves off the calendar, I liked the sound with which they were torn and the texture. I loved watching the traffic lights at night from the window, it seemed calm and bright, so it made me enjoy it when I was a kid. In autumn I liked the leaves and bathing in them, this time seemed very romantic, especially early autumn, when it is not too cold yet. In winter, I liked to make snowmen, but they could only be made on special warmer days when the snow is molding, which was incredibly offensive to me. Then I somehow found out that Santa Claus did not exist and my trust in adults was lost, I began to think more critically and stopped believing adults. When I was little, I didn't have any phones, but my dad had a computer. He was a programmer, so he had a computer running Windows Vista on it, and I could play flash games or disc games on it for a limited amount of time. I loved games like games where you paint girls' nails, because the look of these games was so beautiful that I played just for that, I liked games where you had to brush the teeth of doll characters, and games like My dolpfin show, g3 mlp pony games that I grew up on, Fireboy And Watergirl, Sonic the hedgehog, Mogobi, Moshi monsters, I had a whole book on Moshi Monsters, which I loved very much, farm frenzy, I grew up on classic Disney cartoons and Soviet cartoons, Chicken run, Ну погоди, Cars, Snowwhite e.t.c My parents were Christians, so they took me to church when I was a kid, read me the Bible, sang Christian songs, taught Christian morality, but one of the dark aspects of it was taught to me homophobia from a very early age, and what terrible gay people are, it was my grandmother who taught me all these horrible things. When I was small, I didn't believe in the bible, I just loved listening to Bible stories like fairy tales, so it seemed weird to me to hate people I don't even know or think of them as bad just because they love otherwise, plus as a kid I didn't think about this whole relationship topic at all, so it was confusing for me, I didn't understand why I should care at all. When I got a little older, I was taken to the 0th grade, this is where you are prepared for the first grade, we were friends with one girl before that, but when we went to school, she started bullying me and we stopped being friends, it was very upsetting for me. I was also taken to a singing school where I didn't like it, because I felt uncomfortable there, plus I was scared of Santa Claus when he was brought to the singing school, they scared me very much not as an idea, but when I saw some strange man and it seemed to me that he was going to steal me. However, my mom used to say that I was damn good at singing when I was a kid. Nevertheless, I don't remember well what happened after that, I remember that the first three classes were normal, it's just that some child could start fights with me or bully me, but not as much as in the next classes. I remember that our classrooms looked very cozy and we even had a playground behind our desks, we had to wear strict uniforms at school, but I never felt comfortable in my agab uniform, so I always wore a uniform of the opposite gender. Even if I was bullied afterwards, and it wasn't about how the uniform looked on its own, or about expression it was about how it felt in terms of my identity, which felt alien and imposed, so I didn't want to wear anything related to it, but as a child, it was difficult for me to express or understand what I really felt, Especially because I didn't have a supportive environment. I never fully felt like myself, and gender non-conformity wasn't enough to feel normal, I started experiencing gender dysphoria as a teenager, but my parents didn't explain it to me, they only confused me even more, coming up with reasons why I felt it, but it wasn't right. I never really wanted to be gender non-conforming, I never liked it, but otherwise I felt even worse than I felt, and I got used to that feeling and stopped noticing how bad I felt all the time and how unconscious dysphoria was driving my choices and decisions without my conscious involvement. Then my classmates began to bully me even more after the third grade, almost every day I was subjected to bullying of any kind, mainly psychological or verbal bullying, because of this my self-esteem began to drop a lot, I tried to stop it, but nothing worked, because of corruption at school, the parents of my bullies bribed the principals with gifts so that they did nothing and everything was repeated again, I asked my parents to transfer me to another school, but they refused me. Then my emotional state began to deteriorate even more due to the fact that I stopped understanding the school program, I asked my parents to hire tutors for me like all other children and I was told no, because it is difficult to find a tutor, I asked my father with a higher education to help me and he fell asleep all the time, even he was so bored with my school program that he fell asleep every 5 minutes and he had to be woken up, I felt deeply humiliated, tired, and frightened that I would never be able to understand our school program again. It drove me crazy more than bullying because I was afraid that I would never be able to be successful like the rest of the kids again, and then after my history teacher gave me test preparation material that I was learning like crazy, and then I was given another test altogether, I just accepted that I couldn't be a good student anymore, so I stopped studying altogether, I stopped doing my homework, to do tests, I stopped writing in class, I began to draw to calm down. Because I felt constant stress from all sides, which came from everywhere, including my family. My family never humiliated me personally, but they hated each other, and they constantly quarreled at home and shouted. Although we lived in the city center in a large, spacious apartment, all the money was spent on basic needs, so I felt like I was living in poverty, I had almost no money of my own, I was living with Prussians in an apartment that we could never get rid of, and I just got used to these bugs. Our school curriculum was set up in such a way that every day, except Saturday and Sunday, you had to go to school and sit there for a long time, then do your homework at home for a long time, and then go to bed early, so I almost never walked around my city, even though I lived there for almost half of my life when I was a teenager. When Saturday and Sunday came, I simply did not have the strength to go anywhere. There was almost nothing positive in my life and I didn't feel good, only the Internet helped me, but my father turned it off to me because I didn't study properly, but I couldn't either, so I learned hacking to get internet back. I was able to hack the router and get the Internet back, but that was not the end, we fought for the Internet until I just bought myself a SIM card and connected my mobile Internet. I had an ipad 2 at the time and I was learning to draw on it. So by the end of school, I had my own Internet. I couldn't pass any exams, I didn't get into the 9th grade, because by that time I was already going crazy, I felt constantly unhappy and desperate, everything I talked about with anyone was suffering. I was rude, angry, I hated people, I was in pain all the time, I started going to distance learning, but I couldn't do it either, and my mom did everything for me. Then I sat at home for 2 years because of covid. I stopped talking to all the real-life friends I had before because I couldn't do that anymore. Then my mother left and found another partner, I really wanted attention from her, but she didn't give it to me, when she came once a month, I felt very lonely. And then the war happened. Bombs started falling from the sky, but I didn't feel bad, I felt better than ever before. Because I never liked the idea of a peaceful society, I like it when the world is on fire, when the world is filled with zombies, when there are no structures and no modern world. I hate the modern world and its rules, sometimes I just want to survive like in the past when we were in the Stone Age. Because i don't like this world at all. I was not afraid of death because of how glad I was to be in the apocalypse.